I Struggle Too

I have a confession. A lot of the spiritual things I talk about, I struggle with. Everyday I struggle and everyday God and I talk about it.
So why am I saying this? For one thing, I don’t want to come off as a person who seems to know everything , has a perfect life, and yet has never experienced any of the struggles that I talk about. Because that’s not me or my life at all. Far from it. Just like I said, I struggle everyday.
Some days are worse than others. There are days I could just stay in bed and cry for hours. I want you to know that I’ve been through a lot of, if not all of, the same issues you have gone through.
Same demons, same fears. Same ego telling me that I’m unlovable and stupid.
I’ve been to some very dark places in my mind. My mind has told me things that I would never say to even my worst enemies. I pray everyday and there are days that I spend most of the day praying.
One of the things I pray for the most is for something to make me feel special. In mind I’ve known that that is praying for the wrong thing. I’m now starting to really understand that in my heart and soul.
There’s no reason to pray to be special. I am already special. I’m starting to feel space around my heart. Room for it to grow. Hopefully at least 3 sizes. ( Yes that was a Grinch reference). I feel like I’m starting to understand things.
Things like, no matter what emotions I have , I am always special. No matter how I feel, the essence inside of me is special, unique, and beautiful. It has taken me a long time to understand that and truly believe it. Because I truly believe it , my worst days now are better than my worst days before. Yes there are still worst days but now they are manageable.
If there’s anyone reading this who is thinking that life is not worth it, you’re not alone , even though to you it feels like you are. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how I made it out of my teenage years alive. It’s only through the grace of God that I did and , looking back now, everything has been worth it . Everything, the good and the bad.
I know that in the middle of your darkest moment, your self worth is hidden to you. Your mind hides it from you, but it is still there. It’s never left from the moment you were born. Even through the pain and tears it’s still there.