Category Archives: spirituality

Our Natural State

Love is our natural state. It is the state in which we were born. Its the state to which we will return.
In between, love is still there . Sometimes we do a really good job of separating ourselves from it.
Love is always inside of us. The thing of it is that we have to find the love for ourselves first. Just like you have to find your own happiness before you can help others, you have to have self love before you can truly love someone else.
Self love is something I have fought with most of my life. When I was very young, I without a doubt loved everything about myself. Then I gt older and , as happens to most of us , I was told things about myself that were not true. Because I was a child , and it was adults telling me these things, I believed them. I did fight for awhile; I fought hard to hang n to who I wanted to be. When you’re a kid though, theres only so long you can fight before you give up . You don’t have enough emotional intelligence, or experience, to understand that what other people say about you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves.     
It takes a long time to get past that. Time and emotional awareness. But we can all return to our natural state. We can all return to love anytime we are ready.
Photo via Panache Desai 



Run With Your Happiness

Happiness is choice. I’ve heard that many times but it took a while for me totally understand how true it is. 

Happiness IS most definitely a choice. An indiviual choice . One that only you can make for you and none of us can make for other people no matter how much we want to.

When I first came out as being gay, a person who I was close to said to me , “So you’re going to make me unhappy so you can be happy?” My response at the time was ” I guess so” and I didn’t think anymore about it.  

Maybe I should have kept it that way but I found myself months later replaying that question in my mind. It was at that I point I realized how selfish a question that was.

So you’re going to make me unhappy so you can be happy?

Stop and think about that question for a minute. A person wants me to sacrifice my happiness because they think it will make them happy. That thinking is very, very flawed. No matter what actions you take, you cannot make anyone else happy. All that ends up happening is two people end up unhappy.

Most of us have been taught to put other’s happiness ahead of our own. Sounds good, sounds like the right way to be. But it’s not. You have to happy first. You have to be the person you want to be first. If you are unhappy and miserable, you will not be in any shape to help anyone else.

Everyone has a right to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Don’t let anyone pin their happiness on you , it’s not your responsibilty. Your responsibility is your happiness.
Find your passion and run with it. Run with it like your life depends on it. Find your happiness. Live your happiness.  

A Realization

Something I figured out today. Maybe I should have understood this before but sometimes you don’t understand things right away. In fact we probably aren’t suppose to understand most things right away.

 So here’s what I figured out. If you look at everyone we would consider strong , they didn’t have everything figured out all at once. In their darkest hours , they probably didn’t know up from down. Buut no matter what, they found a way. A way through, a way to have hope, a way to happiness. 

It might have taken a while. And at points they probably want to give up but they found a way.

I’ve been reading every book I can get my hands on. Self help, inspirational stories, etc. I have learned something from all of them but the bottom line is that I have to find my own way. Even when my path i so dark  I can’t see a step in front of me. I need to find a way. We all need to find a way.

My Novel Story on Facebook

My Novel Story is on Facebook! I plan to be better about posting both here and on there ( plan being the key word there lol) . My last couple of Facebook posts have come straight from the heart. Straight from the phone, exactly how I typed it , no editing. Please check it out and like.

A Caged Bird

Like a lot of writers I keep notebooks (yes more than one ) that I write random things in. Thoughts, scraps of stories, quotes that like, and other things. Sometimes I like to see how many words I can rhyme.
My point (there is one) is that I keep notebooks that are filled with the beginnings of the creative process. This poem came from one of those scraps.
After I read the four little lines thatI had written months ago, I rewrote it and expanded on it . And then I did it again. Eventually what came out was this poem.


A caged bird only knows
The limits that are imposed.
It knows nothing of the limitless outside.
To everyone outside,
It seems safe and secure.
But the bird knows there’s more.
Pushing it’s beak against the iron bars,
Trying to break through.
Waiting to unleash it’s potential.
The bird waits and waits
With patience that can only come from nature.
Patience, faith, and trust.
It knows in it’s heart that one day it will be free
And then it will spread it’s wings.
So it prepares for that day.
Always prepared, always hoping.
Prepared for today.
Prepared for every moment.
For that is the only moment we all have.

Self Love Is…

A few months ago a friend sent me a poem. It was something that I needed at that moment. A push to get me out of the state of mind that I was in at the time. She ended up putting it on her blog and you can read it here.
The poem was written by Charlie Chaplin on his 70th birthday and it talks about different things. But the part that is most important to me is the part about self love. I have a hard time loving myself sometimes. Most of the time actually. But I can feel a shift in my attitudes about myself and I can say that I have days that I can honestly say I love myself.
Anyway, the Chaplin poem inspired me to write the following poem. It’s about a few realizations I’ve had over the last few months and how I’m starting to feel about myself.

Self Love Is …

Self love is paying attention to yourself when you need it.
Self love is standing in your authentic truth.
Self love is total acceptance of you.
Self love is not wishing you were something or someone else.
Self love is putting that second candy bar down.
Self love is getting up everyday with a grateful heart.
Self love is not letting other people tell you what is right for you.
Self love is not giving away your own power.
Self love is sometimes telling the world to fuck off.
Self love is full of forgiveness for everyone and especially yourself.
Self love is hard.
Self love is from the heart not the head.
Self love is compassion. a poem

Anger Heart

This is an old poem that I found stuck in between pages of an uncompleted story. I’m not even sure how old it is. A couple of years at least.
It’s amazing how we can write something, tuck it away somewhere, and find it later on like a piece of buried treasure. Then when we read it, it feels like something that came from a totally different person. That’s how I feel about this poem.
I definitely remember feeling this way. I’ve felt like that for most of my life. But my perspective on things are different now and reading this I feel tremendous sympathy for the person I was. Not only for the things other people put me through but for what I put myself through.

Anger Heart

So much anger.

No one knows

How it fills me up

And never lets go.

I can’t deflect it away.

I can’t shield it.

It encompasses all of me.

Engulfs all of me

In bitterness and cold.

They are anger’s friends;

Never far from anger’s side.

Never far from my heart.

I Struggle Too

I have a confession. A lot of the spiritual things I talk about, I struggle with. Everyday I struggle and everyday God and I talk about it.
So why am I saying this? For one thing, I don’t want to come off as a person who seems to know everything , has a perfect life, and yet has never experienced any of the struggles that I talk about. Because that’s not me or my life at all. Far from it. Just like I said, I struggle everyday.
Some days are worse than others. There are days I could just stay in bed and cry for hours. I want you to know that I’ve been through a lot of, if not all of, the same issues you have gone through.
Same demons, same fears. Same ego telling me that I’m unlovable and stupid.
I’ve been to some very dark places in my mind. My mind has told me things that I would never say to even my worst enemies. I pray everyday and there are days that I spend most of the day praying.
One of the things I pray for the most is for something to make me feel special. In mind I’ve known that that is praying for the wrong thing. I’m now starting to really understand that in my heart and soul.
There’s no reason to pray to be special. I am already special. I’m starting to feel space around my heart. Room for it to grow. Hopefully at least 3 sizes. ( Yes that was a Grinch reference). I feel like I’m starting to understand things.
Things like, no matter what emotions I have , I am always special. No matter how I feel, the essence inside of me is special, unique, and beautiful. It has taken me a long time to understand that and truly believe it. Because I truly believe it , my worst days now are better than my worst days before. Yes there are still worst days but now they are manageable.
If there’s anyone reading this who is thinking that life is not worth it, you’re not alone , even though to you it feels like you are. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how I made it out of my teenage years alive. It’s only through the grace of God that I did and , looking back now, everything has been worth it . Everything, the good and the bad.
I know that in the middle of your darkest moment, your self worth is hidden to you. Your mind hides it from you, but it is still there. It’s never left from the moment you were born. Even through the pain and tears it’s still there.